Amusing Stuff 

 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
 near the place.
 
 I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house
 and four people died.
 
 Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated
 coffee table. They couldn't help me.
 
 What's another word for "thesaurus"?
 
 When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking
 spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm
 leaving.
 
 When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only
 child...eventually.
 
 I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them
 again.
 
 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in
 the same room and let them fight it out.
 
 I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in
 a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in
 Germany who said "Cut it out!"
 
 I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
 like I'm the only one moving.
 
 I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on
 the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
 
 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when
 I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther,
 trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."
 
 I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything
 specific.
 
 I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold
 out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be
 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops..."
 
 My neighbour has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
 
 I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
 
 I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
 
 I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave
 a message and I'll call when I'm out."
 
 I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got
 there.
  
 I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I
 keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some
 of it.
 
 I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
 
 Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
   
 I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up
 letter.
 
 My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and
 when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She
 said, "Okay, forget it."
  
 Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories .
 
 There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like
 an idiot.
 
 How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
 
 When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He
 said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August?
 Cool!"
 
 Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
 
 I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
 furious.
  
 It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room
 temperature.
  
 I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No
 thanks, I'm not going that far."
  
 I'm a peripheral visionary.
 
 I make my own water  -  two glasses of H, one glass of O.
 
 Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller
 ballerinas?

 The difference between theory and practice in theory
 is less than the difference between theory and practice in practice.