Just a few Tommy Cooperisms that may amuse you

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"
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Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
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A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up
and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'
'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
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Cos it's strange, isn't it.  You stand in the middle of a library and go
'Aaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But  you do the same
thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
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"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs
and put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
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And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him.
I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He  said 'Yes, this my  livelihood.'
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an
ice-cream'.
He said '99?'
I said 'No we'll start with one'
He said 'Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'I said we'll start with one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
He said 'To camp?'
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
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So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'
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"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in
went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
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"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
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"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It's either my mum or
my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. 
But I think it's Colin."
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"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went
into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

*****